You Got Jokes?

IMPORTANT—24 October 2021
Skitworks cast—you need to select FOUR jokes from the list below to perform in our show. You will only perform TWO of the ones you’ve chosen. (I’m having you pick four in case we have more than one person wanting to do some of them.)

Some are for one person, and some are for two. So if you want to do a partner joke, you’ll need to work that out with a partner in the cast. They need to be memorized ASAP, and we’ll start rehearsing them right away.

Please write out your jokes (or copy and print them) and bring them to class—ALONG WITH THE JOKE # ON THE FAR LEFT (so that we can easily identify jokes by their numbers.)

Get Your Jokes Below:

Pick ones you think you can tell really well. Remember, the audience doesn’t already know the joke, so you’ll have to speak it slowly and loudly—and with emotional expression.

#Joke text# of People
1Adam and Eve were naming animals. Adam saw a big creature with a horn on its face and said, “What shall we call this one?” 
“Why don’t we call it a rhinoceros?” 
“OK, but why?” 
“Because it looks more like a rhinoceros than anything we’ve seen so far.”
2Did you know Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz could have gone back home —- she did have a debit card with her? But there were no banks in Oz, that’s why she kept crying out “ATM! ATM!”1
3A man walks into a clock repair shop and the repairman is German and says: So? Vat sims to be ze problem?  It’s my grandfather clock. It doesn’t go ‘tick- tock-tick-tock’ anymore. Now it just goes ‘tick…tick…tick.Mmm-Hm! I sink I can fix zis. Let me look inside. Ve haf vays of making you tock! 2
4Three businessmen on a plane. First guy says, “That suit looks great on you. You must be a Harvard man.” Second guy says, “Yes, thank you. I did go to Harvard. And with that classy briefcase, I would guess that you went to Yale.” First guy says, “Yes, I am a Yale man.” They both look at the third guy, and they say, “You must have gone to University of Oklahoma.” Third guy says, “Why yes, I did. How could you tell?”  “We saw your class ring when you picked your nose.”1
5Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio. The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.1
6So there was the robber who broke into the public radio station and stole a hundred thousand dollars worth of pledges.1
7I wrote a single entendre but it wasn’t funny at all, so I put two of them together…if you know what I mean.1
8What should you do if you’re attacked by a gang of clowns?  Go for the juggler.1
9Cross country skiing is easier if you live in a small country.1
10What do mountains talk about?  A range of topics.1
11Why doesn’t the Gingerbread Man wear shorts? —  Because he has crummy legs.1
12There is a beautiful white bear in the zoo who, some days, is very playful and friendly and other days he just lies in a dark corner and doesn’t move. He’s a bipolar bear.1
13So this musical chord walks into a bar wanting to get a drink. The bartender looks at the chord and says, “I’m sorry. I cannot serve you. You’re A minor”.1
14Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.  One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” 
“Are you sure?” 
“Yes, I’m positive.”
15(GIRL): Excuse me, do you sell rabbits here at the pet shop?
OWNER: We do. Would you like a fuzzy white rabbit or a fuzzy black rabbit? 
(GIRL): I don’t think my python really cares.
16How do you find a vegan at a dinner party? Don’t worry, she will find you. 1
17So, I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.1
18How many vegetarians does it take to eat a hamburger?
One if nobody’s looking.
19You know, there’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like a complete idiot.1
20Have you heard of the garlic diet?   You don’t lose much weight, but from a distance, your friends will think you look thinner.1
21Police were called to the scene of a mugging at Central Park. It was reported that two snails had mugged a turtle. When they arrived, they found the turtle slowly spinning to a stop on it’s back. They turned him over and said, “Tell us what happened.” The turtle replied, (SLOW TURTLE VOICE) “I don’t know, it all happened so fast!”1
22How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. She holds it up to the socket, and the entire world revolves around her.1
23It’s terrible for a singer to realize that he can never sing again, but it’s even worse if he doesn’t realize it.1
24What’s the definition of an alto?  A soprano who can sightread.1
25How can you tell if a plane is full of sopranos?  When the engines stop, the whining continues.1
26Mr. Phelps, Dr. Wynsczkrepskyvich will see you now.
Which doctor?
No, he’s an M.D. like all the others.
27Doctor, people ignore me.
28How can you tell if the drummer’s platform is level? There’ll be drool come out BOTH sides of his mouth.1
29Are you a pole vaulter? No, I’m Norwegian and my name isn’t Valter.2
30I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.1
31I called up SeaWorld. I got a recorded message that said: Calls may be recorded for training porpoises.1
32A man called the police and said, “I found a suitcase with a cat and four kittens in it, in the forest.” The operator said, “That’s terrible. Are they moving?” The man said, “I didn’t ask but that would explain the suitcase.”1
33I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.1
34Why do those ballerinas all dance on their toes? Why don’t they just get taller women?1
35What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?1
36You’re so ugly that when you go to the zoo you need two tickets – one to get in and one to get out.”1
37I realized I haven’t done the Hokey Pokey in over 30 years. I guess I forgot what it’s all about.1
38The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.1
39A magician was driving down the road, and then he turned into a driveway.1
40In the Miss Universe pageant, why are all of the winners from Earth?1
41What did Salvador Dali like to eat for breakfast? Surreal.1
42What does IDK stand for?”
“I don’t know.”
“Oh great! NOBODY does!”
43Will the band play anything I ask them to?
Yes, of course.
Ask them to play Scrabble.
44Sherlock Holmes comes in carrying a box of lemons. Watson asks, “Where did you get those”
“A lemon tree, Dear Watson. A lemon tree.”
45Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, and says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”1
46A man went to the doctor with a leaf of lettuce sticking out of his ear. The doctor examined him and said, “I’m sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”1
47A man went to sing for the patients at the hospital. He sang some opera, some Broadway, some pop songs, and at the end, he said, “Thank you so much and I hope you all get better.” They said, “We hope you get better too.”1
48Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!2
49What is a hippie’s wife called? Mississippi.1
50Two penguins are standing on an ice floe and one penguin says, “Have you seen my brother?” And the other penguin says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”1
51A bird in a tuxedo walked into a bar. The bartender said: “Nice tuxedo.” The bird said : “How do you know I am not a penguin?”1
52How did the tree get on the computer? It logged in.1
53What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? (PIRATE ACCENT) Aye Matey!1
54How much does a pirate charge for corn? A buccaneer. Or an arrrm and a leg.1
55One tectonic plate bumped into the other tectonic plate and said: Sorry, my fault.1
56Why do ghosts like health food? Because it’s super natural.1
57The elevator didn’t feel well. It felt it was coming down with something.1
58The Cyclops shut down his school because he only had one pupil.1
59How do you split Rome in half? With a pair of Caesars.1
60How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away its tiny brooms.1
61What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant, dead ant!2
62The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.1
63Why do melons get married in church? Because they cantaloupe.1
64What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.1
65So the night before Christmas, Adam turned to his wife and said, “It’s Christmas, Eve.”1
66What’s the difference between a trampline and an accordion? You take off your boots before you jump on the trampoline.1
67How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel.1
68What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.1
69Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?1
70How many English majors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one and another six to sit around and reflect on the experience.1
71How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to complain that it’s electric.1
72How many performance artists does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don’t know, I left at intermission.1
73How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they’re convinced that the power will come back on soon.1
74How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.1
75How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? None, Pampers don’t come that small.1
76How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Define light bulb.
77So a woman texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.” Wife texts back five minutes later: “Computer is really messed up now.”1
78Honey, I have good news and bad news about the car. Give me the good news first. The airbags work.2
79A Korean, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Burmese, a Mongolian, a Cambodian, a Filipino, a Malaysian, and a Singaporean walk into a bar. The bartender says “I’m sorry, but I can’t let you come in here without a Thai.1
80A German walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?” The German says, “Nein, just one for now.”1
81The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
82What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
It’s when you can throw an alto sax into the dumpster without hitting the rim.
83The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.1
84A mathematician walked into a bar and ordered root beer in a square glass.1
85A germ walked into a bar and the bartender said, ‘We don’t serve bacteria in this place.’ The germ said, ‘But I work here, I’m staph.”1
86So I’m going through airport security with my viola, and the TSA agent asks, “What’s this?” I said, “It’s my viola”, and he says, “Is that like a violin?” And I say, “no, it’s like a viola.”1
87A scientist doing an experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.1
88Why are there no English majors on the Starship Enterprise? Because they don’t have jobs in the future, either.1
89The computer programmer gave his son a basketball for his birthday and the boy said, “Thank you but where is the user’s manual?”1
90Famed anthropologist Mary Leakey died at the age of 83 and she was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until some nosy anthropologist digs her up.1
91The college graduate applied for a job as a carpenter. The boss said, “Do you know a joist from a girder?” He said: “it was Joyce who wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.”1
92The computer programmer’s wife had a baby and the doctor handed the baby to the father. His wife said: “So, is it a boy or a girl?” The programmer said, “yes”.1
93A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball. The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer looked it up in his Red Rubber Ball Volume Table.1
94There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.1
95Santa Claus went to a psychiatrist because he was afraid of going down chimneys. He was diagnosed with santaclaustrophobia.1
96What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
97A psychiatrist said to his patient, ‘don’t worry, you’re not delusional, you only think you are.’1
98Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.1
99A young engineer was leaving the office at 6pm when he found his boss standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said his boss, “this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?” “Certainly,” said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Well done, Well done!” said his boss as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”1
100Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, trying to figure out how to determine the height of the flagpole, and a woman walked up, took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down, took a tape measure, and said, ‘Eighteen feet, six inches.” The engineers said: “We need the height and you measured the length!’1
101A man was driving down the street in a sweat because he was late for a very important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. And he said a prayer, “Lord, if you give me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday!” Just then, a parking place appeared just ahead. The man said, “Never mind, Lord, I just found one.”1
102An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. “Where would you like to sit?” he asked. “The front row, please,” she said. “You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.” “Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. “No,” he said. “I’m the pastor’s mother,” “Do you know who I am?” he asked. “No,” she said. “Good.”1
103The cannibals ate the missionary to get a taste of religion but they felt sick afterwards because it’s hard to keep a good man down.1
104The suicide bombing instructor stood up in front of his class and said: “Pay attention, I’m only going to show you this once.”1
105You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?1
106Why is there a gate around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in.1
107An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed the little ball. The barber said, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else.”1
108The preacher was visiting shut-ins, and had a lovely visit with Miss Bessie. As they chatted, he helped himself to the peanuts in the bowl on the coffee table. But near the end of their visit, he confessed with great embarrassment, “Miss Bessie, I’m so sorry, but I have sat here and ate nearly every peanut in your bowl here!” But Bessie said, “Oh, that’s no problem at all. I don’t like ’em. I just lick the chocolate off ’em and spit ’em out.1
109A blonde walks into a shoe store to try on a pair of shoes. After trying on a pair she complained that they were a bit tight. The sales clerk says, “Try pulling the tongue out.” “Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”1
110Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-paned energy efficient kind. Today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn’t paid for them. Hello! Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean I’m stupid. His salesman told me last year that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hello! It’s been a year.”1
111The real reason you can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of politicians… It creates a hostile work environment.1
112So, how’s life in North Korea? Well, I can’t complain.2
113Why do French People eat snails? Because they don’t like fast food!1
114One day a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp and the genie pops out. The genie says she can grant the man one wish. The man says he’d like to live forever. The genie says she’s sorry she’s not authorized to grant that type of wish. The man thinks for a moment and then he says “Okay, I’d like to live until the Vikings win the Super Bowl.”1
115For their 10th anniversary, the couple had dinner at the Ocean View restaurant because the wine selection was good. For the 25th, they had dinner at the Ocean View because it was quiet. For the 50th, they went to the Ocean View because it was wheelchair accessible. And for their 60th anniversary, they went to the Ocean View because they’d never been there before.1
116A farmer gets a visit by a pushy government inspector who flashes his badge and says, “I’m here to inspect your farm.” The farmer says, “Well, OK, but you had better stay out of that pasture over there.” But the inspector’s not having it. He flashes his badge again and says, “Now you listen here—this badge says I can go anywhere I want on this farm.”
So the farmer quietly nods and watches at the inspector goes over the hill and into the pasture he had warned him about. A couple of minutes later, here hears some hoopin’ and hollerin’ and here comes the inspector running for his live back over the hill, and being chased by the farmer’s prize bull. The farmer yells out to the inspector. “It’s all right—just show him your badge!”
117Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: What do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. She said, “No peer pressure.”1
118There was a snail riding on the back of a turtle. You know what the snail said?
119“I have good news and bad news,” the defense lawyer says to his client. “What’s the bad news?” The lawyer says, “Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene.” “That’s terrible!” cries the client. “What’s the good news?” “Well,” the lawyer says, “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”1
120A star walks into a black hole but doesn’t seem perturbed. The black hole says to the star, “I don’t think you understand the gravity of this situation.”
121A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he eventually rents a limo. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there was no punchline.”1
122When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, “Name two pronouns.” I said, “Who, me?”1
123Somebody said you look like an owl. Who?1
124A baby mosquito came back from his first time out flying. His dad asked : How did you feel ? He replied : It was wonderful, everyone was clapping for me…
125An elderly couple were having problems with their memory, so they decided they’d ask the doctor about it the next time they went in for a visit. The doctor said, “Well, medically speaking, I don’t really have any advice for you, but as a practical matter, you might try writing things down.” So they went home and later that afternoon, and after a while, the husband got up from the sofa and announced that he was going to the kitchen to get some ice cream. He asked if she’d like some, too, and she said she would. And he asked what flavor. And she said vanilla. So he turned to walk down the hall, saying “Vanilla ice cream coming right up.” But she yelled out, “Now, you better write that down.”
He replied from down the hall, “I don’t need to write that down; I can remember vanilla ice cream.”
And then she hollers, “And I want chocolate syrup on it.”
And he hollers back, “Got it. Vanilla ice cream with chocolatete syrup.”
And she says, “Write that down!”
And he murmurs back from down the hall, “I don’t need to write that down.”
And she says, “Oh, and I want a cherry on top, too.!”
And she hears him say, “OK, cherry on top.”
“Write that down,” she says.
“I don’t need to write that down,” he protests. I can remember vanilla with chocolate syrup and a cherry.”
Well, 20 minutes later, he comes back and hands her a plat with bacon and eggs.
She says, “I TOLD you to write that down!! WHERE’S MY TOAST???”